Hand Job Inspires Exercise Equipment

It’s all the rage, and for women and men alike. The Shake Weight exploded all over the web this week in attempts to catch the world’s eye with its muscle defining force. The now popular Youtube video explains that the double-fisted grasp technique defines every arm muscle that ever had the potential to reveal unwholesome habits. Using ‘dynamic inertia’ and the exhilarated facial expressions made by demonstrators the Shake Weight burst onto the exercise scene will full force, and now leaves only the mental image of a shake weight in each hand to the imagination.

Crowdsourcing

Oct. 5th marked the day that 10 of the brightest and best bio-chemists came together to hash out the title for what was to be one of the deadliest military weapons known to man.

The bleak Monday morning meeting came to a point of sheer excitement when leading chemist Robert F. Concheirne discovered the perfect way to title the new bio-weapon. It needs to, “pop and strike fear into the heart-purposed cavities of the Middle-East and other neighboring nations.” The anti-social, lab rats began shouting both unique and pop-worthy phrases that could come to name such a fearing and destructible method of death. One eager, young chemist reported to feeling emotions he hadn’t experienced since the one and only time he caught a glimpse of a real female breast from a minimum of one hundred yards.

After what became too long to maintain decent enthusiasm for such a creative project the science-clad posse decided to take after the current methods that have come to replace the naming talent of Advertising greats. “We’ll hold a contest!” exclaimed the lead chemist. Brands do it, and see nothing but success and pure public affection. The least of the enthused showed his colors for discontentment after his recent encounter with the Stride Long-lasting gum naming contest, and felt that he would once again feel the permanent sting of, “closed contest due to technical glitches”. After several months of claiming to have prize money for the finalists, the scientific group followed suit with past naming games by sending fifteen packages of Stride gum to their top ten public suggestees.

Made with love to the Harry Potter fan...

It was the best of films, and the worst of people.
Door opens to reveal a sad soul widdling a wand in a dark corner…

The Harry Potter movies bring out the best in the imagination, and the worst in the petty department. With the recent rise in ‘promises to see the movie together’, the rate of passive aggressive ‘hater’ behaviors is on a climactic incline.

Recently two fans sought out to see the movie together.
“The actual seeing of the movie promise takes about two weeks,” say local Minneapolis Harry Potter fans. “You have to first swear each other in with a promise ceremony.” Usually consisting of a half hour of badgering into the other that the absolutely WILL NOT see the movie for the first time without the 'promisee'.

The friend pair in question not only consummated the initial promise with a verbal ceremony, but solidified the deal with a blood oath, so as to seal the deal. This is customary in the mid-western groups, social circles, and tribes of the Illinoise, Iowa, and Minnesota area. The idea is to be ‘nice’ at all times no matter what has happened. Someone cracks you in the back of the head with a baseball bat, you answer back with a, “my that was a good swing, etc.” The same applies to someone attempting to crack open your heart by seeing the Harry Potter movie with another for the first time.

“Like virginity. You intend it to be with that special someone you’ve been in a relationship with, but more likely than not, you’ll ho yourself out to the first willing and able party if you’re horny enough for the event to be.”

Needless to say, one of the pair sought out to see the film on the first night of it’s opening, with or without the other. The biggest enemy to people keeping secrets is posting every thought bubble about the potential betrayal on popular social pages like facebook, twitter, etc. 

"It's too damn addictive, and deadly to the secret keeper.  It's our generational let-down for scandal get-aways." The other party is bound to find out.  This of course leads to an over-indulgence of the MOST passive-aggressive behaviors such as: wand-widdling, Harry Potter-mix-tape-car-listening, and finally the wand gifting while whispering,.. “I know what you did!” The ultimate point of the situation is the forgiveness stage, in order to forget and repeat the process at a future date.

Onlookers have this to say about the mid-western style handling of the Harry Potter incident; “I’m thinking about moving.” More to come,…

Creative Duo Takes Idea to the Top- and the E.R.

Tragedy struck an up and coming downtown ad agency last Wednesday afternoon. Frustrated by the ongoing popularity of the new ‘social media’ wave, a decently popular Art Director- Copywriter team was taken to the emergency room. Paramedics reported both victims to be ‘riddled’ with wounds that were identified as ‘foil inflictions’.

Apparently the dynamic duo attempted to relive the ‘epic’ quality of the advertising life they’d come to admire for the past decade. After a two-hour martini lunch, and a preparatory night-out, to be experienced later with the clients, the team decided that the most heroic and memorable idea they could come up with was a tin-foil sword fight. This, along with the helmets to match and latte mote around the shared desk space was the setting for what was to become the new campaign for Sir Henry’s Goblet, a dining experience for chicken lovers and Renaissance fans.

Security cameras uncovered the series of events, and “ye olde poor English” that led to the injuries. The building’s night janitor claimed to have called 9-1-1 immediately after hearing a voice proclaim, “Sir Mac Millian! There IS no ROI for twittering the fairness of the breast on the plate, nor of ye maiden server girl!” Followed by a “ha!” and large crash after which there was only crying and the smell of chicken and ale. The condition of both parties remains unknown, but the evidence of the creativity left behind has inspired yet another win for the infamous pair.

Luffa Represents Gay Voice...

The decision to put the voice of the gay rights campaign in the U.S. was given a face Friday, February 24 at 4 am.

Elected officials gathered to discuss the attributes of the gay vote and presence in the recent presidential election.
“The candidate should be the image of gay representation in this past election, and a voice the community will gather around.”

The decision to elect representative, Gay Luffa, was made based on both visual qualifications and the principles outlined for the gay effort in the selection. With the new official physically being a luffa, otherwise known as a bathing device, the decision was seen as fitting for the exposure for gay rights in the presidential running. Authorities within the community had this to say,
“We really didn’t exist at all throughout the debates, nor the final decision to put the president in office. With all the holes in our fight, along with the constant contraction and expansion of supporters concerned with Proposition 8, a luffa DOES indeed embody the characteristics that were presented for the gay community.”

Luffa’s commentary followed,
“I can only hope to lather up enthusiasm for the upcoming 3 decisions in Minnesota.”
Further inquiry for the upcoming state decisions will be presented provided they ever actually happen.

HEALTH ADVISORY | Minneapolis Key Lime Pie Enthusiasts

Bakers, eaters, and dessert enjoyers alike have received official warning from the department of restaurant health advisory.

A 27-year-old woman was reported eating the ‘perfect piece’ of key lime pie last Tuesday at 10PM while receiving word of an ex-relationship’s life status. Apparently the young woman was described as ‘choking on the joys of Karma’ while her dining partner described the severity of the characteristics of a particular transmitted disease. The alleged discussion was said to be a mirrored description of the questionable dessert being consumed.

“After the pungent, yellow goo consumes the majority of the experience, the true irony comes from the sweet pleasure of the existence and exterior-crumbling end result.”

Local clinic authorities have little to say about the woman's condition, but the to-remain-anonymous-male patient in the neighboring stay-room was withheld from the cafeteria serving schedule on the day devoted to all desserts resembling discharge.

BITTER FRITTERS: an MCAD Registration Recipe for Disaster

This blog may seemingly be about pastries.  It is really about the resentful life activities that pastries represent...

I leave my campus (with a degree..ha ha!)  and do not think about the struggles, the all-nighters, or the hard-earned degree.  I think of the best pastry recipe I ever stumbled upon.  

Let this recipe guide you to further opinions about the top dog at your school's registration office...

BITTER FRITTERS by Jaci (Head of Registration)

-Apply 1 Tablespoon of sweet vengeful distain to the sweet breads of your college schedule

-Deny 2 cups of degree requirements to allow the inflation of the sweet bread needed to get an     education in the first place.

-Apply generous dollops of old-lady egotism

-Sprinkle a dusting of zealous pride, and make sure to leave out any apologies that would     generally occur from credit adding errors.

This concoction will be the pinnacle of the meal that is the tool to life, jobs, and general career happiness.  However, using this recipe compliments of MCAD may very well insure the failure of any immediate guarantee in having a pleasant anything after leaving the registration office.

Thank you to the French

It's days like today that I realize how uneventful life would be without simple inventions on behalf of France.  I wake up to a bitchin' croissant, and light this neat smelly candle thingy-ma-bobb.  The thingy-ma-bobb is imported from France, and its scent is titled creme brulee.

That's right, my apartment smells richly of smoldering-roommate- cigarettes and creme brulee. Its a good day to be decently poor and seeking small momentos of entertainment.  And another thing......

-Thank you Spyhouse for having sassy servers that give you a little lip with your coffee

-Thank you to the creators of House Bunny, because stupid, slutty films are entertaining.

-Thank you to the author of Naked Lunch... your book looks great on my coffee table.

-Thank you Neil Landau + Tara Ison... I still enjoy "Don't tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead".